so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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