Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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