I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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