Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
