One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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