he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
