do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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