You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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