I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Randomize
