help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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