he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
