Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
