Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
