loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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