I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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