i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
That reminds me...we need to get swords
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
