My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
