so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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