i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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