New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
