OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
