I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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