Rock
Scissors
Fuck
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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