Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize