You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Randomize
