I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
