I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
