she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
