I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
