It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Found the puke drawer
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Randomize
