hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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