I skipped work to stalk him.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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