true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
