I will die if light touches me.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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