If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
