Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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