i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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