this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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