I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you will always have a special place in my vag
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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