Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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