How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
