let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
