Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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