my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
