I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
