he thought i was a dude.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
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