My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
