It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
