Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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