The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
