It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
