We're like a lot better than the average bears
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
