You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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