Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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