You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
