My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Randomize
