a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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