there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
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