she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
