She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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